standing in the shadows of love

this post will be necessarily vague to protect all those involved, including myself. read it if you like, though i'm more using this as an outlet for my emotions, as a way to think things through in the medium through which i do my best thinking: writing.

i'm reading a book right now about a writer whose parents never told him any of the important things he should have known about them ... like the fact that his mother was a nun before she married and birthed him. rather, they passively let him discover these things on his own, as previewed by the inside flap of the book cover: "that, too, is the nature of families: parents keep secrets from their children, and children are happy to acquiesce, not wanting to disturb their universe."

my universe has been greatly disturbed several times in my life by bits of knowledge about family, friends and lovers that i've obtained unwittingly. today is one of those times.

granted, the things i learned today did not come as a complete surprise to me. they were things that deep inside i knew but also found easy to disbelieve. i'd done such a good job of building a bubble of happiness around me that i'd managed to forget about that which i knew to be true and that which re-revealed itself to me today.

and granted, what i found dates back to an earlier time, an earlier stage of a relationship that has since, i think, changed dramatically. but now, how can i be sure that it has? are you who i thought you were? am i who you think i am?

now i don't know where to go from here. i have questions. lots of questions that must be asked. but how will i know if you're being honest? will i be able to trust?