the merits of top chef

or: how i lost interest in top chef, a story
(review of season finale to follow)

in the beginning, bravo created top chef, and it was very good.

it had a delicious cast of characters, not the least being a dreamy creature by the name of harold dieterle. it had an expert chef by the name of tom colicchio, and while colicchio was no tim gunn (but really, who is?), he was still good for a smart comment or an encouraging word.

the drama was so perfectly seasoned -- not too spicy but not too bland --that the fans forgave the fact that they could not judge the contestants dishes themselves, instead agreeing to resort to trusting the sharp-tongued critiques of queen bitch magazine editor and mrs. roboto aka mrs. billy joel.

bravo realized the tasty morsel it had in the drama-filled top chef. so it decided to kick the drama levels up a notch by hiring an even spicer cast of characters for the second season. fortunately for bravo, the powers that be booted mrs. roboto (domo arigato) and hired the especially scrumptious padma lakshmi.

all of a sudden, the drama on the show took center stage and the chef's cooking went totally unnoticed by the fans. 'they're going to kick cliff off for trying to teach the annoying marcel a lesson? disgrace!,' the fans cried.

when time came for season three, bravo realized their show was called top chef and not top drama queen. so, they decided to turn down the heat on the drama and focus a little more on finding the top chef.

'this is the most talented group we've had yet!' colicchio proclaimed. 'this is such a hard decision,' padma cooed.

and the fans did not know what to do. they could not tasted what the judges table could. all they knew is that everyone was kumbaya and hugs and it was incredibly boring to watch.
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on that note.

i have to say i absolutely loved the fact that they brought in celebrity chefs for the sous chefs rather than the former contestants. i want to meet chef rocco and i want to hug michelle bernstein (and i want her hair.)

and bravo, don't think no one noticed the project runway season three-esque "fourth course" curve ball. and did you make the judges wear the same outfits to the live show that they wore during the final meal?

as you may have guessed from my story, i really could have cared less who won the season three top chef title. i know i said i was supporting casey, but i was doing so half-heartedly (way to crash and burn). when they showed the recap of brian's fall from grace, i kinda wished he was back. when dale got all excited about his menu, i kinda wanted him to win. when hung perfectly executed his duck, i kinda thought he should win.
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so four season four, which is allegedly taking place in chicago, i propose this: a two-week mall tour during which the cheftestants must cook for the adoring fans, who then cast their own judgement in the form of a vote on who should win.

i know it may be expensive and demanding, but damnit bravo, you owe it to your top chef fans who have put up with this crap for three seasons blindly depending on a cast of snooty judges to make the right call. at least with project runway we can see the outfits. how many times have each one of us said "i'd so totally wear that." or "what the hell is that?"

top cowboy

i'm sorry, i'm too distracted by the fact that the top cheftestants were in the motherland tonight to think about the episode itself.

well, maybe that's not true, but i totally missed what happened in the quickfire because i was too wrapped up in thoughts of me needing to be in colorado where i belong. instead of watching them make their trouts a la crap by the creekside, i had to close my eyes and pretend i was standing right there on ajax mountain or at the maroon bells.

and what do they do upon arriving in God's country? they bitch and complain about how they don't do trout and they don't do elk and what do cowboys eat? beans, beans and beans? no hung, some cowboys are just as pretentious as you about the food that they eat.

ungrateful brats. do. not. deserve. to. be. there.

anyway.

brian goes. fine, peace out. i'll miss your chatty clucking about the show. i pretty much don't care anymore who wins. i'm not really excited about any of you. why aren't there twenty rereuns of antm? i totally missed it tonight.

here are some on-topic bitches (or beefs, if you will): three contestants in the finals? THREE? if there had been three finalists in season one, lee anne would have been there and she totally deserved to be there. because there's so much talent? whatever. youz need tuh mahn uhp and get ridz ov tooo ahf dem.

and what were the sob speeches at the end? i've become a chef again ... i'm constantly being reborn ... I LOVE EVERYBODY! Wah wah wah.

p.s. doesn't valerie bertinelli look like she could be mandy moore's older sister now that she's lost all that weight? go val, you rock.
p.p.s. i'm really just cranky about having to be downtown for work tomorrow at butt-crack early tomorrow morning.

saaaaaaara, saaaaaaaara

i regret that i only caught the quickfire challenge and the judges table of last night's top chef episode thanks to a brief intersection of "dude night" and "chick night," but i feel like it was enough to pass judgement.

i hate to see sara go as i enjoyed her 'tude, but she apparently made two serious execution errors between the quickfire and the elimination. and as much as i don't want to cut her, that's just not acceptable of a top chef. it's something howie would do.

and then there were casey, brian, dale and hung.

(side note: i didn't watch much of last season's top chef for reasons unbeknownst to me ((probably because HAROLD! wasn't involved)) so i may have missed such a change last season, but why are they sending four people to the finale?)

i'm a wee bit underwhelmed by my options here. i have nothing against the four finalists, but none of them really just make me want to scream their name the way dreamy Harold did and still does.

even though i don't usually play the chick card, i am pulling for casey to win because it's time for a woman to win. i still wanna grab her shoulders and shake her like a polaroid picture (and not in the outkast kind of way) every time she speaks, but i completely understand when she says she often finds herself the only woman in a kitchen full of men -- my job makes me the only gal in an all-boys club often and it's ANNOYING.

i thought i was going to absolutely hate hung after the first episode, but i have to say he's disappointed me in the anatagonist role. he holds no candle to stephen from season one (who incidently i came to love after the reunion/season finale). he has enough flashes of goodness that he's just not the asshole that i think he wants to be deep down inside.

dale was my initial fave heading out of the starting gate, but again he failed to hold my interest. i still very much like him, but he just didn't kick ass and take names like a certain top chef whom i've already named did.

and brian. brian, you could be so cute (like dreamy Harold). but as soon as i start to think you're cute, you get this weird bug-eyed look on your face and you do something weird that just makes me long for the face of tre (and Harold).

oh well, project runway will be back soon.

c.(ya) j.

to jody, who so graciously sought me out to gab about top chef:

indeed i am the Jennsylvania fan/Top Chefaholic you speak of. the way C.J. was fawning over Padma at the beginning of the episode and Padma's tears in dismissing him make me wonder what's up between those two ...

i've tried to avoid offering my own personal reviews of top chef on here, thinking i'm one of five people who watch the show, but i probably should considering half of my life is spent watching whatever the bravotv execs want me to watch (they are SO SMART!)

as far as C.J., i loved his boyish, awkward charm, but it was pretty clear he wasn't top chef. i mean, usually i have to let the judges tell me whose dish rocked and whose stank, but that broccoli-whatever-you-want-to-call-it side dish looked terrifying. not a good way to get kids to eat their veggies. though i do have a hard time believing colicchio when he said it was the worst dish they'd had in three years.

i'm still extremely pissed about Tre's dismissal, but since he's gone i've decided to cheer for the ladies, for none other reason than the past two top chefs have been men (sigh, dreamy Harold, how i miss you so). casey annoys the vegetable stew out of me, but she seems to all of a sudden know what she's doing, so i'd be ok if she wins. i've pretty much loved sara the whole time for her no-nonsense attitude and her awesome accent.

so C.J., i love you so, but it's get-down-to-bidness time, so we're gonna have to let you go.